During the first year after he died, everything scared me. And I mean EV-ER-Y-THING! At the time of his unexpected death, I was basically unemployed. I had just begun my own business six weeks before, so it was new with no clients, only a business plan. He died relatively young (58), and we were just preparing to be empty nesters. I know now that he probably figured he had time to plan for the future, to add to his retirement and to get some life insurance, after we paid for college for our son. As a result, I was starting out on my own with next to nothing. Very scary.
Now, almost four years later, I can honestly say I’m much braver and I’ve done a pretty good job of rebuilding for myself. But there are still things that scare me. I know if I look too far into the future, I will start to panic. But I also realize I have to be realistic. One can only live day-to-day for so long before realizing the situation is permanent and preparations for the future must be made.
I’m very blessed that I’ve been able to stay in our home this long. Reality, however, is that it might not be the best decision to stay here long-term. The yard is too much for me to handle and I can’t pay someone to do it for me. That reality brings the scary back. I’ll have to finish going through his things, including his garage workshop.
My son and I went through the garage once, about a year or so after hubby died. But now it’s time to figure out what I really need to keep and what I can sell. It’s time to let go of some more of his things. And as I was standing there going through the paint tray of assorted nails, screws, and God-knows-what that he spilled all those months ago and never picked up, I realized that it’s okay. I’m not losing more of him, I’m letting his things be of use to other people. It doesn’t mean it’s not difficult or emotional, but it means I’m ready to face that portion of reality. And I’m kind of getting excited to see what’s next. I’m in no rush to move. But I am ready to start looking and see what God has in store for me next.
It’s still scary to look too far into the future. Retirement? Probably won’t happen. As the saying goes (or was it Dad who said it?), “I’ll be working the morning of my funeral and have appointments the next day!” But I can do my best to start to figure it all out.
There’s still fear, but the reality is so far, so good.