I don’t know what it is about this time of year that brings it all back, but every year about this time, it comes back like a tidal wave. There really is no reason for it. There’s no landmark date on the calendar, no memories associated with October, nothing to really trigger anything. Sure, Facebook memories remind me that he started getting sick around this time, and hindsight reminds me that it really was the beginning of the end, but that shouldn’t cause it.
Perhaps it’s the anticipation of the upcoming dreaded holidays. Holidays that really aren’t anything special anymore. (More on that another time.) But again, after over three and a half years, that shouldn’t be bringing the tears to the surface so easily.
As one of my widow friends said tonight, “I just miss him and need one of his hugs.” Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Sometimes, nothing else will do but him, and he’s not here, and then I feel bad for being so selfish.
It all just goes to show there is no sense or logic to grief. It ebbs and flows, and can suck you back in anytime it wants to. Every year this time, I wish to just jump ahead to March, and bypass it all. Even when I try to not think about it, I find myself moodier than normal, weepier than usual, and there it is again. There’s only one word for it: Ugh.