In almost exactly one month I will leave this house that was our home for eight and a half years, and mine for twelve years. The house that was our dream house. The house that had a two car garage that he was so in love with he would go press the button just to watch the door go up and down. The house I was so in love with that I actually hugged it. Yes, I hugged the house. Multiple times. The house I declared I would live in until I either died or could no longer live independently.
Oh, how much can change in twelve years. When we moved into this house, I was still disabled and wearing leg braces. Now, I can walk as far as I want in whatever shoes I want. When we moved into this house, we didn’t have enough furniture for it. Now I’m downsizing and deciding what to sell. When we moved into this house, our son was ten years old. Now he’s an adult and moved out on his own.
You would think that starting to pack up this place and selling things off would cause me to wax nostalgic far more than just a couple of paragraphs. The truth is, this is no longer home. If I’m completely honest, it’s not been home since he’s been gone. For a long time, it was a haven of memories, but now, it’s just a place that deserves more.
Having to go through the last of his things has been difficult, I won’t lie, but the time comes when you finally realize that things don’t hold as much meaning. The memories are with me, with or without his things.
I’m excited about the new life ahead. There’s still a small part of me that feels guilty, and a part of me that’s sad to let go of the rest of it all, and still a good part of me that’s still mad at him for dying. But mostly, I’m looking forward to what this new life will be, and to spending the rest whatever’s left of my life with “him” and beyond grateful to find such an unbelievable love at this stage of life. It’s time for new dreams and a new home.
Postscript: For those who believe in signs, I fully believe that it has happened and he is happy for me. Going on with life does not mean forgetting or no longer loving him. I will always love him, times infinity squared.