As the date for the move grows near and my house continues to be deconstructed, I find myself in strange moods. Part of me is so incredibly excited to start this new life and to have him here helping to make all of this come true, while the other part of me can’t help but remember back twelve and a half years ago when we moved into this house, and all the dreams we had then.
Packing up of course means revisiting his things, but it also means packing up things that I did after the funeral. After the funeral, I created a corner downstairs filled with all of his awards, halls of fame plaques, and various memorials received. Today I had to take it all down. Packing up pictures means packing away photos around the house that I still routinely look at and “talk” to him. At the same time, I’m packing up my son’s belongings to take to his new home. That’s a lot of change!!!
It is truly a roller coaster ride of emotions these days. I’m excited for what lies ahead and I can’t imagine my life without my fiance now. At the same time, it feels like I’m losing my late husband all over again in so many ways. This time it’s saying goodbye and revisiting all the lost dreams, all the little (and big) things he did for me. It will be especially difficult to leave the back yard, which was the last big gift he gave me. Leaving my lilacs, roses, hydrangea, and garden is probably the most difficult, especially his memorial rose.
When the day comes in three weeks to walk out of this house for the last time, there will probably be tears. But I know as soon as we get into our new house and start setting things up, the promise and hope of the future will win out.
It’s true that memories are nice to visit, but you can’t live in the past. Still, even positive, exciting change can be difficult. Risking to love again is scary, because with that risk comes the risk of loss again. But life is about risk. And life is about change. And I know that, even though there’s a side of sadness served with it, that this change will be amazing.