In two weeks, it will all be over. In two weeks, this house will no longer be mine. In two weeks, I’ll be in a new house, with my “new” fiance, and without a dedicated room for my son.
As the time draws nearer, the roller coaster of emotions gets more intense. One part of me is incredibly excited that the time is almost here, that “my guy” will be here for longer than four days, although he’s not yet moving here permanently. We’ll finally be starting what we’ve dreamed of for several months. Then, like a roller coaster, the bottom drops out, and I’m in free fall, encountering “landmines” as I pack and memories coming out of nowhere. This week, two things snuck up on me: 1) As I was packing up my closet, out of nowhere I found his favorite baseball cap. He wore this cap everywhere. It’s completely stained with sweat and totally worn and falling apart. Yep! Tears fell. 2) As I was packing up the bathroom, in the back of a drawer was a baggie filled with medical gloves, or, as we liked to call them, “Papa Smurf gloves”. No tears this time, just laughter. Any wife of an athletic trainer knows you find these gloves in the most unlikely places, but the worst is when they go through the dryer. So many memories, and so perfect that, of everything I could have found, it had to be those. I had to laugh!
I was talking with “my guy” yesterday, working out the details of the move. I told him that I will need some time as we empty this house. I know that, amidst the hubbub of friends, movers, trucks, boxes, and furniture, I will need some time alone to say goodbye. It brings tears even thinking about it. I need to allow myself time in each room and most of all, our yard. I’ll hate that the swing will already be moved. In the last four years,I’ve spent a lot of time in that swing, my dad’s swing, thinking through things. I wish the weather would cooperate, allowing me one more time there with this view, but it doesn’t appear to be possible.
It’s a crazy feeling to feel both emotions at once: the excitement and anticipation of a new beginning with such an amazing man I never expected to love like this, and the unexpected wave of grief and the feeling of saying a final goodbye to the man who was my husband for over twenty-two years and almost half my life. This house is no longer home, but it’s still difficult.
By the way, I never liked roller coasters.