The end….. that never ends

It’s time to end this blog.  I have other plans for it (you’ll see), but not as a blog.   It’s not the end of the journey. The journey never ends until life on this planet ends, but for now, it’s the end of this portion of it.  Does it mean grief ends? No. Does it mean I no longer miss him? No.

Because the truth is, grief never ends. It takes a different shape as time goes on, but it’s still there.

The truth is, he will always be missed.

He will be missed every time I drive out of our neighborhood past his old clinic.

He will be missed every time I pass a football stadium or a soccer field.

He will be missed every time one of his colleagues receives an award or commendation he should have received.

He will be missed every time I read an article on concussions.

He will be missed every time I see news of his convention.

He will be missed every time I see geese fly overhead or hear a duck’s call.

He will be missed every Christmas, birthday, and anniversary.

He will be missed every time I look at our son and see parts of him in his looks, his mannerisms, his “Pat-isms”, and recall our love that created this oh, so special young man.

He will be missed every time I see a Brittany or a yellow Lab.

Because the truth is, he will always be missed. There will always be tears, just fewer and farther in between. There will always be unexpected landmines that bring the tears. There will always be the “what ifs” and “if onlys”.

But none of that can be changed. Because if I’ve learned anything about this messy business of grief and life, it’s that ultimately, it comes down to our response to it.  And I choose to respond with gratitude. Gratitude for the years we had. Gratitude for our son and our love. And gratitude for what life has become.

So, that’s the end that never ends. And now it’s time to focus on life and work towards not having any regrets with my now husband. To live life to the fullest. To always kiss him goodbye. And to always count each day of our marriage as one we’ll never get back. (It’s day 406, btw.)

This widow is feeling the might of love- past, present, and neverending.

 

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