It’s been two months since the sale and move from what was our home to the new house. I admit it, it’s been a bit strange, but it’s also felt right and has felt like home since the moment I stepped in the door. I’d be lying if I said it was easy to leave that house. It was very late at night when we loaded the last of the items and I went to look around one last time. And I lost it. All I could see in my mind’s eye was Christmas mornings, and I could hear his laugh and see our son’s joy. And the tears flowed. My fiance was supportive. He knew when to give me space and when to come to me. That would be when the ugly cry started. Yet, as I look back and think about it all, I realize it hasn’t been home for a long time. It was a shell of what it used to be and I was really no longer happy there. It was becoming a tomb of memories and memorials with no real feeling of life.
People keep asking me how I like the new house, and congratulating me on my upcoming nuptials. I hear things like, “Now you can start over,” or ” You can put the past behind you.” Others get it and say things like, “You know your late husband has to be happy for you,” or “He would want you to be happy.” And yes, I know he would, and I’ve received my signs. Following your heart is almost always a good thing.
But here’s the thing. Starting over doesn’t mean I’m forgetting him. Loving again doesn’t mean I no longer love him. The way I’ve described it is that when you have another child, you don’t stop loving the first one. They’re completely different people, and the heart is capable of great love and change. How can I forget 25 years of my life, and 22 years of marriage? It’s impossible. And yet I’m head over heels in love with my fiance. It’s a totally different love because he’s a totally different person and completely different from my late husband. There is no comparison. Oh, sure, there’s been twice when I’ve accidentally called him the wrong name, both when I was over tired and complaining about something, but as I’ve heard from others, that’s totally normal.
And I’m finding that it’s easier to let go of his things now that I’m in this space. There are certain things I’ll never get rid of, but others that were so much a part of that house just don’t fit in this house. It’s the same with a lot of mementos from other parts of my life. I find I’m looking at things with new eyes and I don’t need the stuff. The memories are in my heart, where they will always be, not in the stuff.
My late husband will always be a part of me. It’s because of him that I am who I am today, and it’s because of this journey that I”m able to be the spouse my fiance deserves at this stage of our lives. I will always love them both. ‘Nuff said.
Is this the end of the blog? Probably not…..The journey never ends. But I might just share wedding photos in the fall.